My cAnnonbaLL

Not Martha Stewart

2010-07-14T00:44:00.001-07:00

If you need to wrap a parcel for shipping, just cut up a brown paper bag. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. It works. This would also make you feel less bad about forgetting to bring your own shopping bag that one time and failing to get the 5-cent bag credit.

The box being re-used (and I insist on a hyphen here) once contained truffles from XOX, from a client, who, by virtue of having brung me said truffles, automatically upgraded himself to A-List status. I had kept the box, which had been sitting around, until now, when proper etiquette dictates that I must return a watch that Mr. Army Ranger Dude from North Carolina had abandoned at the studio. Men tend to leave their personal effects behind when they visit me. But I don't blame them for being obedient. As a rule of thumb, remove your watch before cleaning and pressing a kettlebell. As a rule of the fourth digit, remove your ring because I don't like your jewelry scratching my kettlebell handles. I don't have a rule for the middle finger.

What I don't get is why people keep forgetting their Sigg bottles. Those things ain't cheap, and you buy them to be all eco and shit ... Perhaps Blue Bottle, not water, is what we all need more of. Meanwhile, I can be the glorified version of the old Chinese lady digging through garbage for plastic bottles. I will make a fortune re-selling the stuff that you people leave behind. Mr. Army Ranger Dude got lucky this time because he's my muse for tonight. However, I may not actually hit the post office until I see a comment below that says, "I shall not learn how to swing a kettlebell from watching YouTube videos."

Posted via email from Mandarin Menace Lite

Slugfest

2010-07-09T02:47:00.001-07:00

A year and a day later, I was finally back at Purisima Creek Redwoods Open Space Preserve, a truly lovely patch of awesome that is part of the Mid-peninsula Regional Open Space District. Despite the overcast skies that often mystify tourists visiting "sunny California" - the drive down along Highway 1 was at once spectacular and subdued - the Day Star did break through the cloud cover to illuminate my eastward path along Purisima Creek Trail, brilliant sky blue above, brilliant jade green below. It was like walking into a Miyazaki film.

I was here on July 4th, 2009, with a friend. It could be said that a puppy dog is a girl's best friend, and since I had neither a puppy dog nor a best friend, the guy that I dragged along would turn out to play that endearing role most fittingly; it is how I will always remember him. This place holds memories and secrets - stuff that you just casually leave behind, and only revisit when you happen upon the same tree, hop over the same log, walk across the same bridge, and come to acknowledge, almost reluctantly, that time has slid under your nose like a slug. What is memory but time resurrected? As if on cue, I recalled how, a year prior, I had picked up a plastic bottle that someone had left on the trail; how we went down to the creek to touch the water; how, when we came upon a clearing, my friend had announced, with typical sarcasm, that the fresh air made him want to smoke a cigarette. It was also at that same spot that he whipped out the shitty first-gen iPhone to see if the satellites could find us. And the answer was, yes, GPS worked - one bar, no thanks to AT&T.

At 1,600 ft I checked my modest Android phone, and thanks to Verizon, I also had a one-bar connection to the real world from the jungle. On a whim, I decided to send a postcard to my friend. During my 1,000-ft ascent, I had come across these bright and slimy objects called banana slugs. They are compellingly, single-mindedly yellow. For what evolutionary purpose I know not, for these guys do stand out and are quite easy to spot, and I'm not aware that their natural predators (raccoons, ducks, salamanders, according to Wikipedia) dislike bananas or yellow foods. "But they roll the slugs in soil to bind the slime." You know, like how you'd roll a mochi ball in shredded coconut to coat it. Sort of.

Apparently the Pacific banana slug, being the second largest terrestrial slug, can grow up to 9.8 inches long. That is longer than LONG. And while we're on the same train of thought, I would also mention that Ariolimax columbianus "gnaws off its penis when disengaging from sex."

The redwood forest in the preserve constitutes the southern tip of the Pacific coastal forest belt that is the banana slug's natural habitat. I snapped a couple of pictures to show that I WUZ HERE!!! - one sent to my friend, the other to my mother, and both being shared here. I thought about taking a video, but when creatures move at a glacial pace, staring at a still photo for five seconds will have pretty much the same effect. Stare any longer though, and you will realize that this is really a yellow straightneck squash in camouflage, because some vegetables don't actually want to end up in your stir-fry, so they pretend to be a slug.

And that concludes my great adventure of July 5th.

Gear: Vibram FiveFingers Sprints

Distance: ~ 6.2 miles

Elevation Gain: ~ 1,000 feet

Pre-Snack: Three Twins Ice-Cream

Post-Snack: Straus soft-serve at New Leaf Community Market / Half Moon Bay

Warm-up: 1,776 kettlebell swings on Independence Day

Posted via email from Mandarin Menace Lite

Clear-Cutting For Portion Control

2010-06-27T03:14:00.001-07:00

Ever seen a stump of an ice-cream pint?

A pint is a single serving. But sometimes, rationality gets the better of me and I decide that rationing is the way to go, just in case I get trapped under the rubble after an earthquake right next to the freezer. While efficiency dictates that I eat straight out of the container, the undulating topography of the frozen surface, an inevitable result from eager scraping and scooping, never fails to throw me into deep anxiety, because it is messy, unfinished, undone. I prefer the clean-cut look. So I often find myself sculpting the ice-cream with my spoon, ironing out the creaminess and transferring the surface irregularities to my mouth. Of course, it never looks perfect until you hit bottom. Yes, it is flat there.

So here's a new tack. Just chop the damn thing in half. Use a sharp knife, make a quick, clean cut as in Kosher slaughtering, divide and conquer. In one fell swoop, better storage aesthetics and multiple fell scoops are created. Saran wrap is advised to protect the exposed ice-cream.

Posted via email from Mandarin Menace Lite

It Pays To Not Shit Your Pants

2010-06-19T02:00:00.000-07:00

The price of laundry in my building just went up by 100 percent. Granted, I've lived here for over a decade and therefore have been spared the travails of going to a laundromat, but still, this "facility" is in the fucking garage, where the air is not particularly good, especially when Señora Building Manager (who is a nice enough lady) chooses to ignore - or perhaps she really doesn't understand English - the "No Smoking" sign.

These washers are brand spanking new, Energy Star and all. I am happy to support ultra-efficiency - pay a little more, no big fucking deal. It's good to use less water and less electricity. (By the way, I always use cold water.) The landlord should save money in the long run, right? So why did he not pass on the savings, but instead introduce this tiered pricing system based on Soil Level?

It is not apparent to me that when there's only one price that people would automatically choose the heavy cycle. I have always been a conscientious launderer, being the exemplary individual that I am. Therefore these new machines are pissing me off big time, especially when there is no guidance on what Light, Medium, and Heavy soil-ness mean, except for what might be deduced from here. Light day, medium day, heavy day for kettlebell workouts? Light flow, medium flow, heavy flow? Cat hair? Dog fleas? What???

It's like 2 AM and I need some damn quarters.

By the way, some of you know that I have started this other blog, and I will keep using both, just so we can be schizophrenic about it. Please leave comments and generously Share / Tweet / Like.

Legacy

2010-04-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yorat

oh jester, oh fool
behold! such enduring cranial structure
mandible jarringly articulate
temporally fused
with dirt
that foul mouth shuttered
shit! shit! shit!
impression unshattered
of teeth
reminiscent of smile
all in your head

Prey-lude To Roadkill

2010-03-10T17:12:00.001-08:00

If you look closely, you will see that this bird is bleeding. I was walking up Fillmore on my way to my favorite scoop shop, Three Twins Ice-Cream, when I saw a collared cat bounding down the street, bird in the grip of its teeth, obviously having a field day. The cat reminds me of one sweet cat that I used to play with, but this one is trim, more athletic, a ready plunderer. No wonder, considering it is being let out like a dog and allowed to hunt like a cat, with the proud owner in tow, who obviously was also having a field day. The owner-dude chased the cat around the corner. Trophy discarded. The freed prey hobbled over to the wall for its photo op, contracting into its own huddle.

Now don't get me wrong. I do not like pigeons. Especially when they shit in front of my building, fueled by the bread crumbs that the building manager's wife likes to throw at them. (I will never be caught dead feeding pigeons in the park, not now, not when I'm 90 and old and decrepit and crumbly.) I also have no problem with how the food chain works.* We shouldn't circumscribe the free expression of basic animal instincts, mine or yours or our companion friends'. But we, as human beings, can do better. If we're in the business of domesticating canines and felines and feigning civilized behavior, then the following applies: dog owners should pick up, scrape up, scoop up whatever consistency presents; and cat owners - if your toy-pet or pet-toy has halfway bitten through a bird, it is your responsibility to put the victim out of its misery. It is the decent thing to do. I would extend the same courtesy if I'd accidentally - or not so accidentally - run over your cat.

*A tenuous tie-in to the health care debate (+ Darwin + Buddha), but I will attempt ... Compassion FTW, yes. Universal health care? Largely anti-evolutionary, if you ask me. We are getting very good at managing and eliminating physical pain, but until we confront and dissolve the root cause of suffering - attachment - we will stay on the same karmic wheel as the pigeon and the cat and the cat owner and the people of Congress. Just so our little bird does not die in vain, I will make three points to send it off to its next incarnation: 1. An enlightened mind does not get attached to tax dollars, because the IRS will collect anyway; or to life, which will end anyway. 2. Compassion is a trait of evolved human consciousness; it does not engender a "right" to health care, or to anything else, for that matter. 3. I am totally okay with the idea that I may end up as roadkill someday; nobody owes me any expensive extraordinary measures to keep me alive. Just clean up the mess afterwards and don't ruin another person's ice-cream appetite. That's all. C'est la vie.

Not A Fan Of Facebook

2010-02-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

Since Google rolled out Buzz a couple days ago, anyone who is someone in the tech world seems to have an opinion on what, if any, impact Google's highly integrated social networking platform (integrated with Gmail that is) has on Facebook's valuation. In my mind, there are three types of observers: people who have a vested interest in the product (investors, employees), other "market analysts" and "thought leaders" in such matters, and finally, the users, of which a sub-category is, for no lack of a better word, LOSERS.

This is my opinion of Facebook as an end-user of Web 2.0 applications. I don't have bucks to make, nor numbers to crunch, but for sure I must be a data point in the company's monetization model, right? Or, is "my type" of users mostly irrelevant, the way I'm a bank customer getting free checking for life but my bank doesn't ever make a penny out of my three-figure balance?

FACEBOOK DEFAULTS TO ANNOYANCE
And each iteration more so. Obviously Facebook's strategy is to grow its user-base by relentlessly streaming who's-friends-with-whom info on the News Feed. It is Facebook's assumption that the typical user is so relentlessly mercenary that has been such a huge turn-off for me. It is insulting. I have no issue at all with networking and respectfully making use of connections. It is entirely within Facebook's capacity to make it a powerful social networking engine without denigrating the meaning of friendship. Restoring status updates as the default stream would be a great start. I find it absolutely refreshing that I can hide the Buzz following-follower info from my public Google Profile. It is not about privacy at all; rather, for once, we can regard ourselves not as part of a numbers game, but as individuals who perhaps have something to share during the day that is of interest or import to other connected beings.

FACEBOOK IS A DISTRACTION FROM SOCIAL CHANGE
I put it this way because we all need distraction sometimes from life itself. But if you really care about productivity and not wasting your time in front of the computer on pseudo-social causes or sedentary leisure, consider this:

As of 11:50 PM, Thursday, February 11, 2010, the number of fans belonging to the following Facebook groups:

I Don't Care About Your Farm, Or Your Fish, Or Your Park, Or Your Mafia!!! 1,737,215
I Bet We Can Find 1,000,000 People Who Support Same Sex Marriage 1,664,544
I Bet Stanford Can Find 100,000 Fans Before Cal Can! 2,027
I Bet Cal Can Find 100,000 Fans Before Stanford Can! 8,563

That there are so many haters of Facebook apps says less about the users of those apps than Facebook's presumptuous notion that their usage is anything remotely newsworthy. In all likelihood Facebook does not even presume that; after all, it's run by very smart people. It is blatantly forcing that information upon your News Feed to entice you to click on the brown baby calf. There must be a certain demographic group or personality trait that is associated with susceptibility to the mooing of the brown baby calf - congratulations, Facebook, for that is your golden calf.

I support same-sex marriage, but I don't BET on anything to make a statement. Unfortunately, many Facebook "Pages" and "Groups" only amount to virtual pheromones that give the impression that you're of a certain ilk, that may be of significance as a filter or deal-breaker if you're actually going to mate with someone, but are otherwise inconsequential as a force or even indicator of social change. To the person who started "1,000,000 Strong Against Sarah Palin" but only hit 21 percent membership target - you're a loser picking on another loser. GET A LIFE!

PSA: If you really believe in marriage equality, follow the Prop 8 trial here and support Courage Campaign with your money and activism.

The red and blue / "gold" comparison proves, definitively, that better Facebooking results do not translate to superiority in anything else.

FACEBOOK ADS ARE DUMB
I have never minded the "Sponsored Links" that I see on Gmail's web portal. And if Buzz must come with Google Ads, so be it - it would be a thousand times better than the dumb-ass targeted ads that Facebook advertisers generate with my birth date, gender, and other personal info. Again, it's not a privacy issue for me; this is just bot-made nonsense. But I find utterly yucky and icky and distasteful and insulting the language and tone of those ads. "Are you an 18-year-old idiot? If you are, we have free crap reserved for you if you qualify. Hurry up! Offer expires at midnight." Really? REALLY??? Just because an ad picked up on my age doesn't make it a smart ad. People who click on those ads are fucking losers.

I have been a disaffected Facebook user for a long while, so I welcome Google Buzz heartily as an alternative, and so far I have nothing bad to say about it. The bugs will be fixed, and I am awaiting the mobile app for my phone. If, as I suspect, Facebook's monetization strategy is to capitalize on losers doing what losers do, then my opinion is entirely irrelevant to the stakeholders, which is fine by me, because Buzz will pick it up regardless.

How I Use Twitter - Or Why (Most Of) You Shouldn't Follow Me

2009-10-11T23:17:00.001-07:00

I am @twiddlebells. I knew a couple of my clients were on Twitter and they were cool, hip people, so I signed up too. I wanted to know who their friends were, and whether they could help me spread some @twiddlebells goodness. I also have this narcissistic belief that I am wise and witty (which my Facebook friends will validate). I wanted to impress my tweeps, but soon I ran into a huge problem:

@twiddlebells hates everyone from Obama to God and therefore constantly offends people who are into Obama or God. Therefore you shouldn't follow me if you are easily offended. Chances are, I hate you too. Just because I also hate Bush doesn't make you follower-worthy to me.

@twiddlebells' likeness is represented by the picture of a kettlebell, the same one that everybody steals from Dragon Door. This, in my opinion, is slightly more interesting than the white tweetie bird in blue, green, or orange background. (How are the colors assigned anyway?) I'm sorry if the picture misleads, but I do not tweet about my fucking workouts. Therefore you shouldn't follow me if you're looking for workout ideas, or inspiration, or encouragement. I don't record, I don't track. I train, I enjoy, I do something else.

Fitness often comes hand-in-hand with nutrition. Those of you who read my tweets know that I write about cupcakes and ice-cream everyday. Ad nauseum. Cupcakes and ice-cream are an important part of my stream of consciousness, the recording of which is Twitter's purported raison d'être. Believe me, if you pay me I can show you how to eat five desserts a day (plus two square meals) and stay a Size 0, but you shouldn't follow me if you're looking for weightloss ideas, or inspiration, or encouragement, because you will hate me. I resolved on January 1, 2009 to eat one cupcake a day for the whole year. I have been outdoing myself. Yes, you hate me.

A lot of people follow each other for "networking," professional reciprocity, or whatever you'd like to call it. I respect that, if you are actually making good use of the information you read. If 500 people are following each other and pathologically tweeting and re-tweeting each other's workouts and blog links and the same fitness articles that everybody reads and writing Bravo! and Awesome! to each other - well, I have to say, WTF! I don't write about my own training, and have very little interest in yours. (I do swings and get-ups à la Enter The Kettlebell, end of story.) I appreciate the #followfriday, but really, no thank you. You shouldn't follow me if you keep tweeting about the same topic (workouts) and want me to follow you back. I won't. If you want penpals (and I like having online friends) let's do it on Facebook. (Hello my ex-Twitter-now-Facebook friends!)

I am humbled that some very accomplished professionals are following my Twitter stream. I am sorry I don't have much to add to the discourse, as I use Twitter as a private social vehicle, not for marketing or keeping up with the industry. I hate announcing my own classes and workshops on Twitter and Facebook (which is perhaps something that I should get over, but I am very much a purist). Yes, I did say I want to spread @twiddlebells goodness, but sometimes, you just want to ride the elevator without having a pitch!

I don't care about numbers, so I am not into reciprocal following. I don't use a private account because I want to make it easier for my stalkers and people in general to find me. I prune my follower list periodically. All bots, most businesses, britney.fucked.vids, and creepy people get eliminated. If you look relatively harmless, you stay. If you seem cool and different I may follow you back. Very few people make this cut. I only follow 20 entities - 3 food purveyors, 2 other businesses, 1 cartoon guy, and 14 real people (4 of whom I have not met, but would like to).

Basically, if you're not a personal friend or client (or prospective friend or client), you should have very little interest in what I tweet about, except for the funny vids or pics that we all come across each day. "Following" requires both subject and object (as opposed to "status updates" which only need you) and tweets are what keep friends continuously apprised of each other's thoughts and exploits so a recap is not necessary when they meet again. Tweets are conversational, hence the @replies. If I appear to lopsidedly favor one or two people in my @replies, it's because these tweeps tweet more and thus evoke more responses. If I appear to write about completely random things, it's because in conversation with friends you don't need to repeatedly explain the context. If you think you know the context, don't be too sure. (If I order revenge on you, I won't announce it on Twitter!) I know when my tweeps go to bed because I am a vampire and I don't sleep. If you're up late too and your profile page is where the only action is, I may just go there and hit "refresh." Periodically I find out cool things about people that way. I also love real-time tweets from an airplane, especially at times when I have to stay up late for non-vampire reasons and need some twitteine*. (@virginamerica way cool!)

Admittedly, I am not using social media in a way that might make me more money. I don't want to act in ways that I myself find annoying. Mutual annoyance, mutual masturbation, bots following bots - not my thing, go away. I'm still learning how to navigate Web 2.0 to make it enhance my relationships, not botch them. Yeah, I still hate Obama and God, but I love and value my friends for their love and entertainment value.

*twitteine: an addictive substance, like caffeine, that makes you crave for more tweets; may induce stalking-like behavior. (And you read about it here first!)

PSA: October 17 Level 1 Kettlebell Workshop in San Francisco. I don't mind people tweeting about @twiddlebells goodness!

Back To The Playground

2009-10-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

I stopped blogging at the end of January because I couldn't think of more random things to write about myself. Of course, to the unconcerned, everything is random. To someone who cares, this is a little window from which to view the inside workings of my convoluted mind. I'm still trying to figure it out. At this point, all I can say is I know more than you do about what's meaningful for me. No, this is not an exercise of sharing. Sometimes I want to say things that I'm too indifferent or afraid or lazy to say in person, for the sake of not getting into uncomfortable conversations that highlight the need for more uncomfortable conversations. Here, I can hide behind my own polished and uninterrupted eloquence. So here we go again!

25 Random Things

2009-01-30T16:50:00.000-08:00

There's this thing going around on Facebook where you're supposed to write 25 random things about yourself, and tag 25 friends to make them go through the same exercise. I was absolutely determined to hate whoever tagged me, because I seriously do not need any homework. So there are already three strikes out there for the three people who have tagged me so far. But since one is a long-time friend, one is an awesome client, and one is an incredibly charming guy, all three are forgiven on account of One, and I relent. I may reveal myself to be arrogant and bitchy (as if you don't already know it), and narcissistic by nature of this very act of writing randomly about myself, but these "facts" that decorate my lifescape may well be considered incidental and inconsequential. I am a private person and my memoirs are not forthcoming. The one and only decade-long sob story of my life - oh so pathetic, melodramatic, and perchance a tad tragic - has been told, listened to, contemplated upon, accepted, embraced, and released. This is not a tell-all and I do hope this sentiment is reciprocated. I have enjoyed reading about my friends' eccentricities and odd experiences, and I hope mine can equally amuse and entertain. Just please don't tell me about your botched suicide attempt or the time you had sex with your horse via Facebook.

I am a vampire. I don't get anything done during the day. I like to work, train, eat, surf, and write after sundown. If I do Turkish get-ups in the daytime, I see all my hair and dirt on the carpet and I get depressed. In the evening I dim the lights and I don't see anything. I am wired biologically to sleep between 5 and 11 am. Since I endeavor to live, eat, sleep and die green, I have been thinking of getting an Ecopod for my bed. Too bad they don't make it queen or king size because I'd sure like to make out with another vampire.
I don't own a tv. When I first graduated from college, I bought one and had it for three years, during which time the only show I ever watched was ER. Since then, and before the age of Netflix, internet streaming, and DVD drive, I did not watch any television. (Okay, so I bought a little watchman with a 2" screen to watch World Cup Soccer and the Olympics when they came around every four years, but that was it.) The first series that I've watched since getting Netflix was Grey's Anatomy. I like medical dramas! McDreamy is sweet and McSteamy is hot - which one are you???
In high school, my friends and I used to steal the physics test the day before from the teacher's waste paper basket. I would then compile the answers for distribution. I always did my own homework and came up with my own solutions to problem sets (because I trusted nobody) but I freely circulated my science and math answers during exams for my friends to copy. Yes, I am ultra-competitive and I am not a team player, but as long as I come out on top (and I did graduate first in my class) I am actually quite generous. On the geek track it was hard to be bad any other way.
The summer after high school, I received an all-expenses paid scholarship to spend six weeks in Israel. When I first learned about this opportunity, I told my parents my intention to apply for it. They said, please don't, so I did. I secretly went to the interview (which was held on the Columbia University campus), and then of course I got the award. This was an international science program hosted by the Weizmann Institute of Science with about 80 students from all over the world. I was placed in a biophysics lab and did research on graft-vs-host disease in bone marrow transplants. They took us all over the country hiking and exploring, and we spent some days in the desert conducting field experiments. I swam in the Dead Sea and climbed the Masada. This was my first most excellent adventure!
The summer before that, between my junior and senior years, I got an NIH-funded scholarship to attend a science program at the University of Iowa. My connecting flight to the land of corn was on a propeller plane - scary! I landed in a lab with a graduate student whose first name was also Cecilia. My tasks: homogenize human eyeballs (donated from the deceased), put pureed eyeballs in the centrifuge to spin and separate, and perform chromatography assays on the resultant goo. I got really good at it, and practically ran the lab by myself when the other Cecilia was away for some days, and received a glowing review from the professor. We also did something terrible to a huge sad-looking rabbit, for which I deserved to be put on PETA's death list. But I have been a good vegan all these years and I gave money to SaveABunny.org - I know there are starving children in the world but this is Jill's pet project - so I hope I have sufficiently atoned for my complicity in this one atrocious act in the name of science.
I love to sing and grew up singing in school and church choirs. Classical or religious choral music is what I like the most. In college, I joined the Memorial Church Choir and went to service every Sunday just for the musical and aesthetic experience. I was their bible-reading girl too. I never saw any of my classmates who were real Christians. They preferred the bible-study group thing, but since I didn't believe in hell and had an immense aversion to sitting around and "share," I stuck with the stage and the podium. I know I am still hell-bound, at least according to my mother. But you're all going down with me, so I have no fear.
I have to cover my ears when I sleep. My family came from tropical Hong Kong, where it was hot and humid in the summer, and mosquitoes grew like flies, and I always had a hard time falling asleep because as soon as I dozed off, one of those blood suckers would go "wung wung wung" by my ear. Have you ever seen a mosquito settle on your bare skin, and moments later it's transmogrified into a sinister little red balloon - and what do you do? Smash it? Spank yourself and splatter and smear your own flesh and blood all over? We lived on the first floor of a high-rise building, which didn't help. They chose me over my siblings and parents, no doubt because I tasted better. I had shown up in school covered in mosquito bites. My teachers asked me if I had chicken pox. One time, a mosquito got into my ear while I slept. It escaped, but I was traumatized. I haven't seen a Hong Kong-style mosquito for decades, but I still sleep under the covers, even in mid-summer nights. For some reason, when I'm on vacation, staying in a hotel or with someone, my compulsion temporarily releases me, and I feel safe to expose my sleepy head. Which tells me I probably should go sleep around more, anywhere but on my own bed.
There was a period in my life when I felt I needed some convincing that I was a good, unselfish human being, so I signed up to volunteer with San Francisco's Zen Hospice Project. For a year, I spent five hours every Sunday afternoon in the hospice ward of Laguna Honda Hospital, hanging out and helping out and trying to be all zen and mindful and embracing and spacious in my witnessing of those momentous end-of-life moments. What I learned about myself: (i) I was never really sad when someone passed on; perhaps I didn't care enough, or maybe I think death was just one big shrug. (ii) I had a morbid curiosity about the dying process, had read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying from cover to cover, and often wondered about the bardos while still sincerely attempting to do tonglen practice for the "imminent" folks. (iii) I really hated it when little old ladies or men pinched my cheeks and said, "You're so cute!" In the end, it comes down to this: To die well one has to live well. I don't know if I'm a better person for having done this, but if I end up with a volunteer by my deathbed mucking around saying mantras, I promise not to pinch her cheeks.
I have only spent money at Starbucks once in my whole life. I was bored and hungry and rationalized my way into trying the Frappuccino which predictably turned into a cookie binge. My other three Starbucks visits were paid for by the people I was with. First time - t'was the day after my sister's wedding in the summer of 2002, in Louisville, Kentucky, a town which I had never heard of until a few months prior. My entire clan found the entire downtown deserted on a Sunday afternoon, so reluctantly we went to the airport early and sat at the Starbucks. Second time - I was visiting said sister in Washington, DC, last year. She has, since my first Starbucks encounter, begotten three offsprings and her kids apparently needed an outing, and it had to be Starbucks. Third time, and most recently - I was attending Pavel's strength stretching and super abs workshops in Sacramento in November. We managed to spend the entire lunch hour walking to the Starbucks and back. Pavel bought tea for us and nobody ate anything. I have observed that when the Chief's around, everybody automatically goes on the Warrior Diet.
I once was so broke that I answered a craigslist ad to "donate" 5 cc of blood to a UCSF research project for a $20 stipend. I parked my car at the bottom of the hill and walked up towards Parnassus, a cold sweat breaking out. The thought of needle penetration made me extremely squeamish, even though I generally have a high pain tolerance and don't mind blood and gore. I met the doctor, signed the release, and he proceeded to grope around for the vein on the inside of my left arm. For someone like me with a pulse so faint that I can't find it half the time, and blood pressure low enough to qualify some folks for a pace-maker, this was not easy. He had to poke a few times to get the needle in. I was trying to be very zen about all this, staying detached, and attempting to induce an out-of-body experience. Perhaps that was why the blood stopped flowing after a few drops. The doctor pulled the needle out and started to prep my right arm. The thought of Take 2 sent me reeling. I swooned and fainted and caught myself on the table. Orange juice and crackers appeared under my nose, but both he and I knew this had nothing to do with needing replenishment. We are talking about less than 2 cc of blood drawn. I lose way more than that during my periods, and I never miss a beat in my workouts and classes. Needle phobia. The doctor told me he'd taken over 250 samples and I was the first case he had to abort for that reason. I was mightily embarrassed. He gave me the $20 anyway "for showing up," but for his parting advise, he said, "Don't ever bother going to give blood."
Worst childhood trauma - I was once mistaken for a lamp post - by a dog. Enough said.
(This list will get done at some point, with divine or diabolic intervention!)

Stage Right

2009-01-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

Back in September, our taiko school presented the Meigetsu (Harvest Moon) Taiko Fest at Dance Mission Theater in San Francisco. Rhythm is the pulse of life passionately articulated and fiercely expressed. I am immensely grateful to our sensei, Bruce "Mui" Ghent, for his faith that we could actually pull this off. Bruce had a vision for us when we couldn't see beyond our own drum sticks. That's the definition of a great coach. What a thrilling experience!

Here are a couple of clips from the show (courtesy of Babs). The AV quality may not be the best, but my mom said she watched them over and over, so I guess they're alright.

Matsuri

This was our opening song. The stage was darkened in the beginning and I hit the first note at 1:06. For those of you who've never met me in person, I (shortie with pigtails) was on stage right / house left - which turned out to be right in the middle of this screen, front row, in line with the head of a guy in the audience. We circled around twice, but I always ended up in the same spot.

Yamarashi

This was the grand finale. There were five of us on the front row, with our sensei in the center. Find me all the way to the left of the screen (at times cut off). At 1:50 my friend Anne Dunlap and I played a 4-bar duet.

Our 2009 show is scheduled for the weekend after Labor Day. Come see us live in action! It's way more exciting than watching YouTube!

KettleWorx

2009-01-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

KettleWorx is for wussies. Enough said.

Pick Me, Call Me, Scam Me

2008-10-19T00:46:00.000-07:00

Coz I'm all dark and twisty.

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

My friend and colleague the Iron Tamer really wanted to work with your daughter, and I am so glad you responded to his email with more details about Jullie's plans. Why don't we plan on having Jullie stay in San Francisco for two months and then go on to Nashville for two months? I am actually not sure what state Nashville is in, but neither do you, so that's okay.

You must be keeping track of so many letters, so I'll just include yours here to keep us all on the same page.

Hello ,

Thanks for your response,My daughter is 18 year old and she have little basic knowledge about these Kettlebell.And i want her to come down to your lesson in order to keep her busy during her staying.I will like you to understand that my Jullie will be coming from Singapore to stay with her friend in your location.But she will be staying for 2 months i will want you to teach her for 2 months (4 days training a week) .So kindly let me know the total amount i'm to pay for these 2 months (4 days training a week) plus any other expensives..Hope this is okay with you? If so kindly please advise back with the total amount i'm to pay,so that i can make the payment payable to you,including with your name and contact address including your phone number in which you will receive the cheque before her arrival next month November.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas

Wow, your family is from Singapore! I visited there when I was eight. I love Singapore fried rice! Do you know my friend Karen? She has curly hair, wears glasses, and we met at an international science camp the summer before college. She must still be about my age, quite possibly taller. Jullie has little basic knowledge about kettlebells? How about little advanced knowledge? No worries, I am a very patient teacher. And I have a job for Jullie. I will appoint her the Bubble Gum Monitor! She will make all my students spit out their gums before class. Gum-chewing is one of my biggest pet peeves. In fact, if Jullie trains hard enough she can become an RKC and go to our private forum and read my famous Bubble Gum Rant. And if I may ask, how much does she weigh? The new RKC snatch test is very difficult for over-weight girls. In fact, I need to lose a few pounds myself so maybe she and I can do the Warrior Diet together?

I think Jullie will find San Francisco a most welcoming city. In fact, we are known as a sanctuary. That means if she overstays her visa, it's perfectly legal for her to stay here as an illegal, and since she's 18, she can even drive a car! We have really pretty boys in town, but too bad most of them only like other pretty boys. But I do love 'em boys coz they all love to workout, and that's good for business. Of course, you can expect to get postcards of her posing on our beautiful Golden Gate Bridge. A new safety net will soon be built to turn the world's most scenic exit into the world's most scenic no-way-out. It only costs $50 million to install, and I'm sure you're glad that our city spares no expenses when it comes to our well-being and mental health.

Regarding my fees, upon further thought, can you put me on your payroll and do the federal tax withholding for me? I am ridding my life of administrative baloney. We must be in compliance with FUTA - the F. U. Tax Act. To keep things simple, I will only ask for $200,000 in wages.

Since I am extremely busy, I have assigned all scheduling and client communication duties to my pimp. Please direct any future correspondence to:

Mr. Esef Peedee
Hall of Justice
850 Bryant Street, Room 419
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 553-1521

One last note here. Please have Jullie arrive on Tuesday, November 4. An apocalypse that happens only once every four years is not to be missed. Here's how Obumma vs. McPain will play out in Northern California. Either you will see a massive exodus to Canada on Wednesday morning, or the Dow will again free fall and I will raise my rates by 300% to make up for my generous handouts, and Jullie can do my plumbing. (But she must join the union first.)

Respectfully,

Cecilia Tom, RKC

P.S. Since Mr. Smith Grand is your husband, Mr. Rhodes Cremas must be your brother. I understand that he contacted a dojo in Mississippi back in March to inquire about aikido and judo lessons for his daughter Jullie. So your niece's name is also Jullie? Ah, I get it now. You slept with your brother. Angels and insects, birds and bees, they all do it. No problem.

An Open Letter To Mrs. Cremas

2008-10-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

Since you so kindly sent an email to me this morning, I am going to so kindly respond to you on my very popular blog, because I believe that many of your fellow Nigerians may have similar questions, and I'd like to address all of them here to help keep the global internet bandwidth free from detritus.

First, here's a faithful reproduction of your email inquiry. I am disabling my Blogger spell-check for the moment.

Hello,

I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on KettlebellTraining.Well my Daughter (Jullie) is coming to stay with her freindfor 2 months and she love Kettlebell. I want her to be coming to yourtraining during her staying ok.

So Note: My Daughter Jullie is just a beginner, so please kindly teachher well. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetraining,inorder for me to arrange for her payment before her travel.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the training within these 2 months
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your phone numberfor the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, is the "e" pronounced like in cremate or is it more like crème brûlée, and do you emphasize the second syllable as in ass? Sorry for all these questions. I do want to address you correctly.

I would love to work with your daughter Jullie. Since I live in San Francisco, and today is the 19th anniversary of the Loma Prieta Earthquake, I'd like to inform you that I am raising my rates to include a special earthquake surcharge. So, to answer your questions -

1. A two-month luxury one-on-one package would cost you $10,000 + 19% earthquake insurance = $11,900. A two-on-one package with myself and another male RKC trainer specializing in the PTTP Bear Program would cost double. A gang bang package can be arranged, but you will have to pay the City of San Francisco for a special permit.

2. I only take cash. I know it's not safe for a young lady to travel with so much money. I would suggest that she put the cash in a plastic bag and shove it up her ass.

3. Regarding my name, address and phone number, please be informed that it is common law in the United States to require businesses to operate under fictitious names. If you're seeking to make contact with deep-pocketed individuals and service providers, your best bet is to data-mine the ACORN voter registration files in Ohio.

I suppose Jullie is touring our country and not only staying in San Francisco, so I'd like to recommend other enormously popular kettlebell instructors who can guarantee her sissification. For example, Ryan "Sgt." Shanahan specializes in "ripitude" using hollowed-out kettlebells. Then there's Michelle Khai, who sells affordable 4 lb. kettlebells that can double as paper weights.

As you well know, I am also a certified Z Health practitioner, and through the grapevine I heard that your son Jullian may need the services of trainers in the Z Health network. Since I am so kindly kind, I took the initiative to compose an introduction letter for you, similar to the one you sent me. I think it will bring you many usable leads, and I'm really glad to have the opportunity to help you out.

Here it is :-)

Hello,

I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on Rehab,Reeducate,Restore, my sons hip.Well my Son (Jullian) is hit by car two months back and the doctor said he will only hop on crutch.We sued driver and thanks God the court awards us damage EUROS 6,9 mil (6,900,000).so I am asking you please teach him pelvis tilt. I want him to be coming to yourtherapy ok.

So Note: My Son Jullian is in much hurt, so please kindly cure him better. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetreatment,inorder for me to arrange for the payment of your healing.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the treatment for my Son Jullian to no more hop
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your Bank Account number for the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, I must warn you. There are unkindly people out there who will give you garbage information. You must disregard all financial institution accounts unless it says "Lehman Brothers" - then you know it's for real.

Finally, I know your husband is Mr. Smith Grand. He sends me many emails about the herbs he takes for his penis. He says he makes his wife ecstatic. You must be such a happy, horny woman. I congratulate you on your most excellent family, and I look forward to meeting your lovely children, Jullie and Jullian.

Going For Broke

2008-10-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

(I am still not done with my Potty Training piece below, but a PR takes precedence.)

Who: Me, 108 lb. (previous) + 7 lb. (excess), measured at 1 pm
What: 82 sets of VO2-max snatches, 15:15 protocol,
7 reps per set, 8 kg kettlebell
When: Wednesday, October 15, 2008, 8:45 pm - 9:26 pm
Where: @ EBM Kung Fu in Oakland (in the back room)
How: Just do it!

Last week at the same time, I did 40 sets, 20 minutes. That was the plan. I felt a little fatigued towards the end, no doubt from the expectation that the end was near. I executed. I earned my dessert. I ate my cupcake.

The overall game plan was to add 8 sets per week, so it would take me five more sessions to hit 80. Tonight I set the Gymboss in 15-second intervals, so 48 sets = 96 rounds. It is actually kind of cool that the Gymboss rounds decrease by 4 per minute - it seems to approach zero at a faster pace :-) I was running high on qi from the tai chi class (with some bagua to boot), so I just went for it. I was mentally counting each set and focusing on form. I am still not happy with how my left arm is snatching. So I was tweaking this, tweaking that, but always making sure that I completed 7 reps before the beep. At T = 16 minutes, I started counting down. Eight more minutes and I'd be done with 48 sets. At T = 20 minutes, I looked down at my hands for the first time and I saw blood. I was wearing fingerless cloth glove-liners and there's a bright red patch oozing from right below the left pinky. I perked up like a hungry vampire. Quick mental calculation - if I finished 56 sets instead of 48 today, I will have one less week of this hand-shredding nonsense to endure.

As soon as the Gymboss flatlined, I restarted the clock. Four more minutes! Four more minutes! Four more minutes! No term limits! And so it went. I lost count and my body went into auto-pilot. I didn't feel tired. I could feel the irritation from the bloody blister, but by that time I was going for broke and nothing could have stopped me. I became confused as to how many 15-second rounds should remain on the Gymboss by the end of 80 sets. By the time I figured it out - the answer is 32, since I restarted at 96 - I had six more minutes to go. I rallied. ROOOH AAAH! I began to compose this blog post in my head. When 80 came around, I felt like the Energizer Bunny. Why don't I let the clock run down? So I snatched two more sets. Okay, enough is enough. I should be practicing something else. I had the Viking Push Press on my to-do list.

By that time, people were coming into the room to change. (They were taking sanshou class in the main studio.) The extra Danish torture will have to happen on another day.

I will try the 36:36 protocol when my hands are all healed up, and then cycle back to the 15:15. Right now, I don't think I can increase my snatch cadence to 8 and still finish within 15 seconds, so my next goal is to use a slightly heavier weight. I am going to buy a 20 lb. kettlebell.

So, in summation, or multiplication, 82 x 7 = 574 snatches.
Or, in summary, or multiplicity, 1 snatch, 574 times. (And acknowledging W2 for first putting it this way, so poignantly.)

Potty-Training

2008-09-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

I am not a personal trainer. I never played sports. I have never taken an anatomy class in school. Before I studied pilates in 2002, I didn't know what patella meant or what ACL stood for, let alone what could possibly go wrong with the knee. I was blessed with ignorance - and bliss - because I could move any way I wanted with reckless abandon. I knew diddly-squat about squatting, but squat I did. Quite fortuitously, when I gave my bed away in 1999, I had set myself up for a daily regimen that has kept my legs and joints in superb condition.

The first piece of furniture that I bought as an adult was a bed. For a year after college, I slept on a twin-sized futon, the thing I sat on to study when I was still in school. Then I bought a real wood-framed bed with a firm futon mattress. Luxury! Later, I quit the corporate job and had to downsize, which meant moving in with a roommate. She was a vivacious, passionate Italian woman, a great soul with bad knees (and some other health challenges). When we eventually parted ways, I left her my bed, as she had a hard time getting out of her own.

Almost a decade later, my mattress is still on the floor. Since I live in a tiny studio apartment, the room looks more spacious without a big chunk of bed, but I've always thought that one day, when the bank will take my kettlebells as collateral and give me a mortgage, I will purchase a one-bedroom condo and a bed. Well, I don't even have half a down payment, and I live in San Francisco, but at least I took the bed off the list, so I'm actually closer to my goal :-) Ever since I became aware of the pervasive fear of squatting among certain quarters of the training community, I relish more than ever the act of getting up in the morning. Planting my feet firmly on the floor, feeling the carpet (and wishing for hardwood), shifting my weight slightly, pushing off - voila, I'm up. Look Ma, no hands! A bodyweight get-up + squat, RKC HardStyle. Needless to say, it gives me immense satisfaction to get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo. I hereby issue a challenge to my hard-living comrades: pistol up from your mattress if you need to go pee. Beds are for sissies.

The Japanese got it right - when you sleep on a tatami-style bed all your life, standing up from a rock-bottom squat becomes an autonomous function, and you maintain resilient knees and strong legs without having to think about it. I said "maintain" because we're born with that natural ability to squat. In Athletic Body in Balance, a must-have for anyone serious about identifying and overcoming functional weaknesses, FMS guru Gray Cook writes:

A child does not learn to squat from the top down - in other words, he does not suddenly make a conscious decision one day to squat. Actually, he is squatting one day and makes the conscious decision to stand. Squatting precedes standing in the developmental sequence ... Therefore, a child is probably crawling, rocks back into a squatting position with the back completely relaxed and the hips completely flexed, and stands when he has enough hip strength. This approach makes a lot of sense and can be applied to relearning the deep squat movement if it is lost.

Note that it is completely natural for the back to be "completely relaxed" in a deep squat, i.e. flexion in the spine is a-okay.

(To be continued ... )

Preview: The RKC front squat will not fuck up your knees, but in fact will help restore mobility and function relinquished by toddlers in "civilized" countries with the evolution of the modern toilet. The full squat position is good for business.

Taiko Festival!

2008-08-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

I'd like to invite everyone to my taiko group's upcoming Meigetsu (Harvest Moon) Taiko Fest to be held on September 12th, 13th, and 14th at Dance Mission Theater in San Francisco. As some of you know, my journey in rhythm began at the Ali Akbar College of Music in San Rafael, where I studied tabla (North Indian drums) with Pt. Swapan Chaudhuri for many years. I took a break when I transitioned to a career in movement instruction, and I also spent a couple of years with two Chinese classical dance groups. Last summer, I got smitten by kettlebells and decided to prioritize my training for the RKC certification. That meant I had very little time left to devote to martial arts and kung fu, yet I missed that warrior energy that had been part and parcel of my being ever since I learned that immensely satisfying round-house kick way back in 1996. But, the Universe always provides what is needed at the moment. By happenstance, I discovered that Sensei Bruce “Mui” Ghent was offering an introductory taiko class in September 2007 at Dance Mission, and it took me less time than Usain Bolt’s 100-meter dash to decide to sign up.

Taiko turned out to be exactly what I needed. It’s got rhythm, kung fu stances, rousing dynamics, fat-burning mechanics, and great spirit – of the peaceful warrior. Taiko drumming is a group endeavor. It is constructive, creative, communal. While I still love to watch bloody UFC fights, kickboxing class has long since ceased to stir my soul, and in any case who wants to fight with guys who never wash their hand-wraps?! And by the way, the kettlebell snatch is the best GPP training I could have done for taiko class. Arm strength, shoulder ROM, cardio endurance – HardStyle provides. Folks in class are taping their hands for blisters, and to help with the grip. I think Pavel would say, “Comrades, soap up the drum sticks, smoke the grip!” Here’s to you, sir -

I wear my well worn RKC calluses with pride,
and take my sweaty RKC palms in stride.

So, come see the taiko get pwned.

Meigetsu (Harvest Moon) Taiko Fest
A Benefit for the Maikaze (Dancing Wind) Taiko School

The performance will feature many renowned taiko artists and ensembles as well as the Maikaze students. Most of us have studied taiko for only about a year, and we’d love to have your support! I will be in two pieces – the first and the last.

Friday, September 12, 8 PM
Saturday, September 13, 8 PM
Sunday, September 14, 6 PM

Dance Mission Theater
3316 24th Street (@ Mission)
San Francisco, CA 94110

The venue is directly across the street from the 24th / Mission BART station. Parking is available at the Mission Bartlett Garage, 90 Bartlett Street - enter on 21st Street.

Tickets
$14 pre-paid, $17 at the door
T-Shirts
$15 pre-paid, $20 at the door
Fundraiser Package
A donation of $30-50 (sliding scale) for one ticket and one t-shirt to benefit the Maikaze Taiko School, with priority seating.

The pictures above show the front and back designs of the t-shirt. To purchase tickets and / or t-shirts, please email me or leave a comment here.

Barely Legal

2008-08-18T03:16:00.000-07:00

Much has been said about the prepubescent Chinese girls who tried - and succeeded, with the complicity of an entire nation chasing Olympic glory and that international emblem of corruption, the IOC - to pass off as 16 to compete in the gymnastics competition at the Beijing Olympics. Notwithstanding the fact that they are indeed terrific gymnasts and athletes, there is something hugely unsatisfying about watching little girls compete against adult women. The playing field is not level - body proportions are different, and that affects the strength requirements of the different routines - and aesthetically, it's just not the same. The best way that I can put it is this - Would you rather see Angelina Jolie naked, or do you prefer kiddie porn? Enough said.

Hole In One

2008-08-08T01:12:00.000-07:00

I want to congratulate my client Ian for hitting a hole-in-one on Wednesday - 220 yards, he said. Ian has been doing pilates for 4 1/2 years, 2-3 times a week, and recently added kettlebells to his workout. This is the WTH ("What The Hell") Effect in glorious display. If you swing kettlebells, crazy things can happen. Ian is your IPO go-to guy. If you have a cool company (alternative energy, solar) that needs some financing, call him up for a game of golf.

Mystery Meat

2008-07-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

Mike Adams' NaturalNews.com is a terrific site with tons of useful information about leading a natural, healthy life. A picture is worth a thousand words, and last night I stumbled upon this photo tour that really says it all. While my dear clients and students have all been able to withstand my puker workouts, I had a hard time keeping down my organic romaine lettuce while viewing Mystery Meat Macrophotography.

A picture is worth a thousand swings. Go do it. Let it all out.

Urgent! Please Help Iowa Pigs!

2008-07-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Farm Sanctuary has mounted a massive rescue operation to save Iowa pigs stranded by the recent Midwest flooding. These animals were brought into this world by factory farms, raised in horrific conditions, and destined to be slaughtered for bacon. Now, even though disaster has struck, there is an opportunity to rescue them from a hellish existence and give them a shot at a better life. What defines human beings and our humanity is the ability to rise to the occasion, relinquish our selfish desires, and show compassion to all sentient beings in need. You can read about the rescue efforts and make a donation here.

Yes, I was born in the Year of the Pig. Them pigs are sweet, intelligent animals. Babe, you say!

May all beings be free from suffering.
May all the pigs roam free.

Sweet Pooding!

2008-06-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and my body told me today's not a HIIT day. I luxuriated in my Sun Salutations and got all jazzed up with Z Health Neural Warm Up Level 1. I always do some rocking squats to give the back a nice massage, and today I decided to rock up to stand on one leg. Rif taught this as a way to work up to a pistol. Nailed 4 out of 5 with my right leg. Left leg is 0 for 5. I'm probably not staying tight enough on my way up, or I'm psyching myself out, or both. It was fun though.

Then I decided to do the RKC snatch test. It was hard. Still hard. I did my 20+20 with the 12 kg. Okay, I cheated - I'm 1.5 lb. over the limit for that weight class. I had a peanut butter cupcake and a fruit tart yesterday - and the day before, and the day before, and the day before. (I want to make a plug for Lettus - 100% organic desserts to die for, to snatch for, even though they make you fail your snatch test by putting you in the next heavier weight class.) Actually I thought I was snatching really well with my right arm. Snatching on the left side still felt awkward and too effortful. I proceeded to snatch 9L, 9R, 8L, 8R ... etc. down to 1L, 1R, just to work on technique. The scoliosis doesn't bother me at all in general but I can see how it is definitely hampering any strength movement that requires a strong latissimus dorsi-arm connection. I am most fatigued by the punch through, and I've noticed that if I widened the arc a bit and relied more on the hip snap, the snatch came a lot easier. I need to find my own groove, even if what I just said, widening the arc, is RKC heresy. Any senior RKC's reading this, I'd love to get your feedback and advice.

And now, for today's PR #1 ... I snatched the one pood for the first time!!! This was never in my consciousness even in the realm of possibility. I wasn't training for it, as it had never been my goal. Getting the 12 kg up for the snatch test was hard enough. I thought my snatch career from then on would be about endurance feats like passing the USSS Snatch Test, or training for VO2 Max. Sure, I have been doing a lot of overhead holds with the 16 kg, but my goal was to improve my MP's. Then a couple of weeks ago after kickboxing class, I felt I had more energy to burn, so I picked up a kettlebell and started doing one-arm swings. And it was going up really high, and I was feeling really bad-ass, and I thought I was swinging the 12 kg. But I looked - oooooh, that was the one pood. I started getting some ideas in my head. Maybe, just maybe, I can snatch it up. So this morning I tried. I chalked up. And I punched out 3 sets of 3 with my right arm. And it wasn't nearly as hard or scary as when I tried to snatch the 12 kg for the first time (which was less than six weeks before the RKC course in February). HardStyle is the way to go. I love this!

Next I did presses. I ran out of duct tape and as I'm not ready to start the C&P ladders yet with the 12 kg, I just did singles. For real with the right arm, push presses with the left. I am tempted to get an adjustable kettlebell although that thing looks really ugly - but not as ugly as a taped-up monster bell. But perhaps I'm not that far off from starting the 12 kg ROP cycle. I installed a pull-up bar at home - let me tell you a story about the stud and the screw ... Oh, never mind - and I imagine the pressing will get better if I GTG the pull-up negatives often enough. I don't know how many negatives will eventually make a positive, but it's definitely not two.

And finally, for today's PR #2 ... I also nailed the 20 kg TGU with my left arm. Crush the grip. Stay tight. The Party is always right. Alternating sides, I did 5R, 4L before my left arm pooped out. Piece of cake, I deserve. I will eat it too. My weight today: 111.5 lb.

I want to thank those of you who came to my workshop on Friday. I was energized by your enthusiasm, and you're all walking around town today with sore butts and cursing me out. Wicked, isn't it?

A word about the kettlebell infomercials - THAT'S WHY I DON'T WATCH TV!!! What you see below, my friends, is a cute little Christmas tree ornament. Brad Nelson, RKC, calls this the bastardization of kettlebells. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy and not in a mood to rant, but folks, go read his blog.

Taoist Yoga In Action

2008-06-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yin & Yang makes the ultimate cookie.
No matter how you slice it,
It's still a whole cookie.

Ha & Tha is like chocolate and vanilla.
You twirl it and you swirl it,
And you get smoking kundalini.

"The one who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction, is a wise person." - Bhagavad Gita, 4:18

There's more that I want to say about this - movement and stillness - but for now I'd like to give a little training update. In the last few weeks I've been working on double swings with uneven weights, and I started two-arm swings with the 32 kg. I cleaned the 16 kg for the first time, and oh yeah - I nailed the 20 kg Turkish get-up shortly after I came back from my Washington DC trip. I managed three reps with my right arm. The left side is not happening yet but it's a matter of time. I feel hella strong :-) The obliques were virtuously sore afterwards - very lovely. This morning I weighed in at 110.4 lb (about 50 kg). My goal for the TGU is half body weight - so I guess I am ordering the 24 kg soon.

Every Day Is Groundhog Day

2008-06-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

That was one of the security questions posed to me when I was signing up for Virgin America's frequent flier program. Now, this is a pretty cool airline that gives you a nifty screen in front of your seat so you can order food, customize a music playlist, and chat with your fellow passengers. Heck, I scored a $236 non-stop, roundtrip ticket for my current trip to Washington DC, with no fuel surcharge or fee for a checked bag - all in all, no complaints. The only fatal flaw is, they left Chuck Norris out of the tongue twister. So, we're left with a feeble little critter called the groundhog, otherwise known as the woodchuck or whistlepig, and which apparently is a chubby ground squirrel.

I got a good chuckle, but I didn't choose that security question. How much wood? One pood? That would be the unit of measurement of choice for any self-respecting kettlebell lifter. Too obvious.

Sometimes, we must step off the obvious path, leave our comfort zone, and be willing to confront our fears and insecurities, in order to get to a mo' better place. The time for action is always now, never later. The movie Groundhog Day came out 15 years ago, and I've always taken to heart the flick's simple message of Carpe Diem, and have had great success with it in job interviews answering the question, "What's your favorite movie?" Often in real life, we don't get the opportunity to do something over; once the moment has passed, it's gone forever. "Just do it!" is only part of the deal. We must also try to do it NOW, and do it RIGHT. A kind word unspoken, a helping hand unextended, or a transgression unforgiven is fraught with even more regret than fumbling through our first baby steps towards a more integral way of being. Granted, there are days when I wake up to discover the same old sameness in routine, habits, cravings, neuroses. One falls into the illusion that the next project can just self-start on the next day, weekend, month, quarter, year. The curse of Groundhog Day seems almost like a blessing, that we apparently do have tomorrow to try again. But in fact all there is that we have is the present moment. It's not like we need to scale mountains or dive from the sky to prove the present. The practice of mindfulness can help us zero in on the state of our being: Am I at peace with myself and the world? If I were to die today, would my life have been as meaningful and spiritually rich as I'd like it to be? I try to let the answers to these two questions guide my moment-to-moment experience - what to do and think, how to engage life with "passionate equanimity," with grace, and grit, and a touch of daring.*

Chuck wood, carry water.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
Hard to figure out.
I bet Chuck Norris can.
But Chuck Norris never dies.
Every day is Groundhog Day.

Chuck Norris for VP
* Ken Wilber's Grace and Grit is probably the greatest book that I've ever read. Ken's brilliance as a contemporary philosopher is undisputed. This book shows his "softer" side as a caregiver to his wife Treya, whose journey through breast cancer, with an emotional fortitude that she calls "passionate equanimity," is at once moving, inspiring, and life-affirming. I remember being handed a dog-eared copy in the late 90's when my then-roommate was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo a mastectomy. I didn't go to work for two days because I couldn't put the book down. I then ordered four copies to give to friends - that was my first online purchase ever, from Amazon!

In The Hall Of The Mountain King

2008-06-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

This piece of music, by Edvard Grieg for Henrik Ibsen's play Peer Gynt, is the best workout music ever. It got the kids totally high and completely crazed. They listened to it over and over and got their exercise sprinting around the living room. I may have to play it in my kettlebell classes.

Okay, I can't get the audio to work. You can listen to the song here and superimpose the last 30 seconds onto the vid.

Twins!

2008-06-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

The babies were dumped outside my apartment door on Tuesday an hour before I was to leave for SFO. I was across the street at the pilates studio with a client. I did not want to miss their arrival before I skipped town, and I want to thank my UPS GUY for his wonderful good sense of not leaving them with the building manager on the ground floor, or bringing them to the studio, as he had done with all my shoes from Zappos. Hey UPS GUY, I even had a chocolate bar for you, but you got here when I was out. I did not want to haul 88 lbs. of metal up two flights of stairs and you totally saved the day, when I was so pressed for time I didn't even take out the garbage.

I am naming the twins Spirit and Opportunity, after the Mars rovers. Two 20 kg Dragon Door kettlebells, still sitting in the box, waiting for my return. I have to start visualizing the 20 kg TGU.

So I am in Washington DC visiting the heirs to my future kettlebell empire - Nolan (4), Camille (3), and Loic (<1) - and of course, their mommy, who happens to be my sister. I ought to make it clear, that if the Auntie gets put into a home, they're not getting any; and should the Auntie experience an unexplicated murder, they're not getting any. Other than that, they will need to demonstrate good burpee skills and show kindness to all pigs and monkeys.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Double Swings (one 12 kg & one 8 kg)
4 x 15 = 60 swings (switching R & L with each set)

Goblet Squats (12 kg)
3 x 5

Russian Cossacks (12kg)
3 sets of 5 x (1L + 1R)

Double Windmills (12 kg above, 16 kg below)
8L, 8R

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Snatches (12 kg)
10 x (5+5) on the minute = 100 snatches

TGU's (16 kg)
10 Xs, alternating right & left

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Clean & Jerks (single - 12 kg, doubles - two 8 kg's)
4 x (5L, 5R, 5 doubles), on the minute

One-Arm Swings (16 kg)
10 x (10 + 10) on the minute = 200 swings

Touchdown On Mars!

2008-05-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

The Phoenix spacecraft has made a picture-perfect landing on Mars' northern polar region to begin a scientific mission of examining ice likely to be dug up by the lander's robotic arm. Yeah! I am a NASA geek through and through - I find rocket launches to be incredibly thrilling, and this lander's EDL (entry, descent, landing) sequence, while not as funky as the airbag deployment from the MER mission, provided just as much of an adrenaline rush. Seven minutes of terror! Human ingenuity and creativity, the desire to explore and soar beyond our ordinary existence - isn't that what ignites the passion that makes life worthwhile? I want to thank and congratulate all the engineers and rocket scientists who let our spirits ride on the back on their hard work to go places no man has ever gone, to see and touch and kiss the soil of another world - a little bit of sweet transcendence.

Meanwhile at CPL (Cannonball Propulsion Lab), I am putting my victims through the Seven Minutes of Terror swings workout. One day the nerds will inherit the Red Planet, and yours truly will be at the helm of Mission Control, launching kettlebells at Mach 1 and creating craters with impunity.

"S" Is For Sacred - Reloaded

2008-05-25T02:09:00.000-07:00

I am hella tired. My eyes hurt.

I am writing a business plan - a strategic blueprint and financial road map that will guide prAxis Kettlebell Athletica, Inc. in its first months of operations. I want to create an environment that reflects my vision of athletic training, where I can have fun sharing what I love to do with others. But the fact that I will have creditors and substantial bills means I can't goof around with the bottom line. Because of the overwhelming support from my clients and friends and family and mentors and even the monkeys and bunny rabbits, prAxis is a project that is much larger than a personal undertaking. I am humbled by the enormity of the responsibility, and apprehensive of the amount of work that lies ahead ... I need to remind myself that my dharma is to serve, and my purpose, in this life, is to help others cultivate abundant health and vitality. I pledge to abide by the principles of Sacred Commerce. Yet another reason/excuse to go to Cafe Gratitude to get dessert. I am planning to pick up a copy of the owners' new book very soon. Can't go wrong with the people who've brought us the most delish raw chocolate cream pie - I Am Bliss!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Snatches (12 kg)
(9 + 9 + 8 + 8 + 7 + 7 + 6 + 6 + 5 + 5
+ 5 + 5 + 4 + 4 + 3 + 3 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 1) = 100 snatches

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

TGU's (16 kg)
10 Xs, alternating right & left

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

2-Arm Swings (24 kg)
2 x 20, 2 x 18, 2 x 16, on the minute = 108 swings

Double Swings (two 12 kg's)
2 x 20, 2 x 18, 2 x 16, on the minute = 108 swings

Snatches (12 kg)
(15 + 15) = 30 snatches

Bottoms-Up Presses (8 kg)
5L, 5R

Cheat-Clean, Cheat-Press, Overhead Holds (16 kg)
10 Xs, alternating right & left

Russian Cossacks (8kg)
2 sets of 5 x (1L + 1R)

Double Windmills (12 kg above, 16 kg below)
8L, 8R

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

2-Arm Swings (24 kg)
4 x 18, 4 x 16, 4 x 14, on the minute = 192 swings

Snatches (12 kg)
(10 + 10) = 20 snatches

Snatches (8 kg)
(20 + 20 + 15 + 15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5) = 100 snatches

Clean & Jerks (12 kg)
5L, 5R, 4L, 4R, 3L, 3R, 2L, 2R, 1L, 1R

"S" Is For Sacred

2008-05-15T02:17:00.000-07:00

So I filed to form an S Corporation.

Within the last few weeks, it has become increasingly clear to me that I am not thriving. I have several gigs that make for a pretty good living, but employment conditions and space constraints preclude me from teaching exactly the way I want - how, what, when. I also realize that I have the power to change that, and the time is now.

I am opening a kettlebell studio in San Francisco!

"Inc." has perpetual existence. Immortality, incorporated. (And I shall take forever to finish this post - please check back tomorrow.)

... Ah, tomorrow. "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You're always a day a-way!" Here I am, six tomorrow's later, reprising my role from grade school of that little orphan girl, Annie, bursting into song with that ever ebullient optimism that there's always a tomorrow to finish this post, and contemplating on the irony that another draft post, as yet unpublished, is titled "Every Day Is Groundhog Day" - whatwith that timeless theme of Carpe Diem, it's patiently waiting to see the light of day. Ah, later ...

Catching Some ZzZzZzZzZ

2008-05-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

Ain't got no time to sleep! But I just signed up for the Z Health R-Phase certification course in Fremont later this year. That means more studying and practicing on top of all the little and big things that I need to get done. One thing that I like about myself is that I don't agonize over decisions - I don't have an internal calculus when it comes to the question of "What's next?" When I first found out about the San Jose RKC, I was browsing the Dragon Door website - barely two months after I picked up my first kettlebell. Within minutes I had signed up for it. Impulsive? Hardly. Over the years I have become more and more trusting of my intuition. I simply let it guide me along the path that is revealing itself as I'm ready to take the next step. Life is very uncomplicated if you'd just go with the flow. I don't need to justify or rationalize anything. There is a sense of true freedom!

Oh, I am proud to announce that I broke a drum stick Monday night in taiko class. It snapped right into two on the final note of my solo ending. Those kettlebell muscles, you know.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

1-Arm Swings (16 kg)
12 x (10 + 10) on the minute = 240 swings

Double Swings (two 12 kg's)
4 x 20 on the minute = 80 swings

Double Swings & Snatches (two 8 kg's)
2 sets of 10 x (1 swing + 1 snatch), 3-minute rounds

Russian Cossacks (8kg)
3 sets of 5 x (1L + 1R)

Double Windmills (12 kg above, 16 kg below)
8L, 8R

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Double Swings (two 12 kg's)
4 x 18 on the minute = 72 swings

Clean & Jerks (12 kg)
3 x (5L, 5R)

Russian Cossacks (8kg)
3 sets of 5 x (1L + 1R)

On Death & Snatches

2008-05-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have been hustling since April 15, when I emptied out my bank account to help fill state and federal government coffers. I don't bemoan paying taxes - at least the concept of it - if my hard-earned dollars would actually sustain legitimate government functions, such as enhancing infrastructure, national security, law and order, conservation, and sustainable agriculture, and developing our intellectual and cultural assets via support for the humanities, arts, and natural sciences. I also think it befits a compassionate and influential world power to devote substantial resources towards humanitarian causes across the globe.

But of course, that's just a preamble to my RANT -

There are too many !@#$% people on the planet.
Everybody is his or her own special interest group, the effects of which are as insidious as any social ill blamed on "big corporations" and George W. Bush.
Entrenched special interests are created by market distortions. Abolish rent control! (And I say this as a renter.)
A flat tax is a fair tax - and that means no deductions and credits for anything.
Subsidies = pork. Corn farmers have brought us high fructose corn syrup and a national epidemic of obesity. Now they are paid to grow corn for ethanol, another recipe for waste and global warming. Wherefore such stupidity? Well, the presidential election cycle begins in Iowa.
My health, my life is my responsibility. I don't smoke, drink or ingest junk food and I don't believe I have any right to your tax dollars for my health concerns. I don't have children because I can't afford to, and nobody should have to subsidize what I can't afford. And what I'm saying, not so subtly, is I shouldn't have to pay for yours either.
Some taxes are legitimate if they help to neutralize negative externalities. Gas taxes are okay by my book, as long as the money is used for greenhouse gas abatement or transportation-related improvements.
Make Form 1040 simple and keep income taxes low. Let me have the choice to consume more, or less, or not at all.
Send me that damn stimulus check already, so I can buy my next Dragon Door kettlebell - 20 kg!

We can't engineer a great society with a convoluted tax code. Parsimony is beautiful!

And while I was running on empty for a fortnight, I thought about life as a flow of energy. Money, material things as waves, particles - what does it matter? It's what you make of it. Paying taxes is a form of qigong. Circulation is infinitely better than stagnation. May abundance flow through me ... And many, many happy (tax) returns to you!

The 1040 Workout

This was completed over a few days around April 15 - withholding max effort to make up for insufficient withholding to the IRS :-) I'll have to pay a penalty, so I might as well spread out the pain. Total reps = 1040.

Snatches (12 kg)
10 x (8+4+8+4), 2-minute rounds = 240 snatches

1-Arm Swings (12 kg)
8 x (25 + 25+15+15), 4-minute rounds = 640 swings

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

TGU's (12 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 28.5 lb.)
8 Xs, alternating right & left
+ 1R, 1L with the 16 kg - first time!!! Success!!!

Freedom Torch (Swing) Relay

2008-04-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

om mani padme hum

I dedicate my yoga and kettlebell practice today to the people of Tibet. As human beings existing in a dualistic universe, we are at once the oppressor and the oppressed. We can be truly enlightened, but so can we be the self-righteous, moralistic, holier-than-thou evangelist for whatever pet causes the ego happens to latch upon. I truly believe that to change the world we have to change ourselves first, and it's a blessing to even know what needs changing. Yoga helps to bring about that meditative awareness that is the essential first step to transformation. Yoga is spiritual discipline. I don't do it as a workout to burn calories, to sweat, or even to stretch. Yoga is the gift of quietude, the stilling of the mind so that breath and suffering and joy can come to the fore, and so remind us of our aliveness, and our humanity.

Editorial
The Olympic Torch has come and gone, mobilizing thousands in this protest capital of the world, San Francisco. I stand in solidarity with the human rights activists who descended upon London, Paris, and my home city to make it plenty clear to the Beijing government that we will not stand for China's many objectionable policies with respect to Tibet, Darfur, the environment, food safety, etc. I say this as a Chinese-American, knowing full well that many like-minded individuals have been vehemently condemned as "traitors" in recent weeks by pro-Beijing elements in our community. Try as I might, I cannot with good conscience support a government that labels the Dalai Lama as "anti-human rights," shamelessly suppresses freedom of the press, and puts up a joke of a website about the Olympic Torch relay. My allegiance is to my own (fallible) sense of right and wrong, and I believe that the only way to change the hearts and minds of the Chinese people is for them to come to their own conclusions, based on objective information not manipulated by their government. One of my goals in writing this post is to reach the foreigners living and working in China. I think they can be a powerful force in bringing awareness, through their day-to-day interactions with the Chinese people, of the egregious human rights violations that Beijing commits in the name of law and order, and how such heavy-handed tactics only serve to sabotage its international image no matter how fancy or spectacular the Beijing Olympics turns out to be. Change can only come from within, so I call upon the expatriates participating in China's unbridled economic growth to insist on not only spreading Western technological and management know-how, but also the values that we hold dear - freedom of expression, and the right to self-determination. These values are neither Eastern nor Western - they are universal, the foundation of civilization's collective rights and responsibilities. I believe in the power of intention - whether it's my yoga practice, or a protester's non-violent demonstration against injustice, or a journalist's struggle to supplant propaganda with truth, the intent is not to prove that we're right, but to realize that we are all in this together.

April 13, 2008

I first got the idea of staging my own Freedom Torch workout after reading about torch swings on Rif's blog. He did them with clubbells and he made a how-to video for me. Since I don't have clubbells, I did bottoms-up snatches (first time!) - the two exercises are similar in terms of ROM and mechanics.

I used a lighter kettlebell - it was not particularly strenuous, but my forearms were sore for three days! Some pointers: (i) use chalk, (ii) keep your eyes on the ball, and (iii) stay really tight through the lats.

Sun Salutations
108 rounds

Bottoms-Up Snatches (8 kg)
9 x (12 + 12), 2-minute rounds = 108 snatches per arm

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Stop The Spray!!!

2008-04-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

If ever we needed to deploy surface-to-air missiles, this is the time. The San Francisco Bay Area is bracing for an unprecedented urban assault via aerial spraying of biochemical agents, ostensibly to contain the Light Brown Apple Moth (LBAM), a reckless experiment of questionable efficacy and benefit (except to Big Ag) and unquestionable harm - to human and animal health, ecological balance, property values, and our implied right to homeland security. The spraying, slated to begin August 1, 2008, is cause for alarm because it will impact not only local farms that supply our organic produce, but in fact will blanket our homes, playgrounds, schools - and yes, our heads, if we happen to be outdoors when the choppers fly by. The pesticide is designed to linger in the environment for quite some time, so we cannot entirely escape even if we managed to skip town for a few days. In the wake of a first round of spraying in Santa Cruz and Monterey Counties in 2007, residents reported hundreds of cases of respiratory, dermatological, and endocrine-related afflictions. This foolhardy approach to eradicating LBAM is akin to invading a country to look for non-existent WMDs. There will be unintended consequences, beyond what our government is capable of fixing. At the end of the day, I don't want poison dumped upon my head, or yours. I call for the right to bear arms, metaphorically (or not), in order to shoot 'em down, metaphorically (or not); in any case, be up in arms about this!

Resources

Great overview article, with links to various organizations dedicated to this issue: Plan To Spray Toxic Biological Chemicals Over San Francisco Announced
The "LBAMspray" channel on YouTube
VeganReader.com

* This post will be updated in the near future with original content, as I plan to conduct some personal interviews and report back to my readers. Stay tuned!

William ShakySphere

2008-04-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

So uttered the original Dane of Pain, "Frailty, thy name is woman!" Poor, poor Prince of Denmark, Dane of bread, dejected, despondent, deficient in testosterone.

O that this too too sullied flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew,
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter.

Methinks he needed to ingest some protein and slaughter a cannonball for a fix. Willie wielded his pen with ease, but how would he fare under a pood of tragedy?

Frailty, that which is my mind - a mind that fails to grasp the voluminous drama atop my bathroom scale. William Shakespeare: The Complete Works, Clarendon Press, Oxford, 1986 - 3.8 kg.

Tuesday, April 7, 2008

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3, 4)

Wednesday, April 8, 2008

1-Arm Swings (16 kg)
12 x (11 + 11) on the minute = 264 swings

Clean & Jerks (12 kg)
1 x (5L, 5R), 2 x (4L, 4R), 3 x (3L, 3R)

Jerks (12 kg)
2 x (4L, 4R), 1 x (5L, 5R)

Bottoms-Up C&Ps (8 kg)
5L, 5R, 4L, 4R, 3L, 3R, 2L, 2R, 1L, 1R

Front Squats (12 kg)
5L, 5R

Double Windmills (12 kg above, 16 kg below)
8L, 8R

Genuflection

2008-04-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

Genuflect. Let us genuflect. If you follow the ETK Program Minimum, chances are you're already doing it. You just may not have a poetic way to describe it.

I first encountered this word in the RKC instructor manual, which I received this February in San Jose, on my birthday, no less. It's a big word, I assure you, for the simple reason that I didn't know it, I who knew all my SAT words and kicked everyone's asses in the scoring department. Ah, but that was two decades ago. Now, I see this word "genuflect" next to a picture of the great Dr. Mark Cheng manipulating a kettlebell. What the heck?! My ignorance had been exposed. But there's a way out of this. I rationalized thus: Why say scapula when you can say shoulder blades? Do my clients really need to know that coccyx = tailbone? I concluded thus: Lay people don't need to genuflect. If they want to see a vision of the Virgin Mary, they can just do one hundred Turkish Get-ups.

But I was tormented. I needed a precise definition for the word. My intellectual life was hanging in the balance. Comrades, please nail it down for me.

What is genuflection? Pick one.

a) Reflection of sunlight away from abdominal blubber via nano-tech fabric.
b) A position for oral sex as described in the Kama Sutra.
c) An outpouring of subconscious thoughts following an overdose of Russian truth serum, a.k.a. vodka.
d) A position commonly assumed when presenting expensive rocks, as in a marriage proposal, or when placating a spouse after a crater-sized kettlebell mishap.
e) Forward bends conducted in a weightless condition such as aboard the ISS or on the moon.

It took me more than six weeks, but my wounded pride finally got the better of me, and I looked it up. According to the Marriam-Webster Online Dictionary, genuflect means:

a) To bend the knee; to touch the knee to the floor or ground especially in worship.
b) To be servilely obedient or respectful.

(etymology: from Latin genu knee + flectere to bend)

So there you have it. The word is most often used in the context of Christian worship and Catholic rites, so no wonder I didn't know it. Even my mother is convinced I am headed straight to hell. But I do protest! I genuflect prayerfully, lest disaster befalls my head, every time I get to Step 8 of the Turkish Get-up. As Dr. Cheng demonstrates, this is where you have one knee on the ground, readying to stand. So next time when you're at Step 8, take a moment to contemplate and connect with that spiritual force of your life, whether it's the Holy Virgin or the other, almost-like-a-virgin, Madonna (& Malawi Child). When you're suffering under 32 kg of martyrdom in genuflection, meditate upon the Holy Grail of kettlebell lifting. You just have to know what it is - 100 virgins, or 50,000 snatches ... Okay, let's not go there.

Comrades, crack the Code.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Snatches (12 kg)

(20 + 20) = 40 snatches

Snatches (8 kg)

(25 + 25 + 15 + 15 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5) = 100 snatches

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)

5 x (1, 2, 3, 4)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Snatches (12 kg)

{10 + 10 + 9 + 9 + 8 + 8 +7 +7 + 6 + 6

+ 4 x (5 + 5) + 4 x (4 + 4)

+ 4 x (3 + 3) + 6 x (2 + 2)} = 200 snatches, ~ 11 minutes

I guess that's the USSS Snatch Test. I dropped the kettlebell during the 3 + 3 sequence while switching hands, so I did an extra 3 + 3 to make up for it. So, for real, I did 206 snatches. It was hard but not as exhausting as I had expected. I was so energized after taiko class on Monday night that I wanted to do it again, but it was pretty late and I figured I should eat my dinner before midnight ... Oh well, another day.

Fearless

2008-04-03T00:27:00.000-07:00

I don't exercise to music, but I like to do free-form stretching and allow the spontaneous flow of movement when I'm by myself - free from the tyranny of rules and structure. Too often our approach to working out is completely utilitarian - we want to lose weight, we want to improve our athletic performance, we want to be in control. Dance is deliverance in motion. The soul needs no justification to express itself. Everybody can dance, everybody can be fearlessly beautiful.

Here's what I'm listening to: Jay Chou's Fearless, from the movie of the same title (starring Jet Li).

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

1-Arm Swings (16 kg)
12 x (10 + 10) on the minute = 240 swings

2-Arm Swings (24 kg)
4 x 15 = 60 swings

Clean & Jerks (12 kg)
5L, 5R, 4L, 4R, 3L, 3R, 2L, 2R, 1L, 1R

Bottoms-Up Presses (8 kg)
3 x (3L, 3R), 3 x (2L, 2R), 3 x (1L, 1R)

Windmills (16 kg - bottom arm)
8L, 8R

Sumo Deadlifts (32 kg)
10 Xs

Good Mornings (32 kg)
10 Xs

Ultimate Pinup

2008-04-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

Finishing work at 8 pm, I found myself at the crossroads of a momentous decision. Do I go to Whole Paycheck and get a pint of organic Straus ice-cream, or do I go home and swing my kettlebell? Overweight vs. Flyweight - a ridiculous modern dilemma. The unbearable lightness of being taunts and beckons, throws a fake, fakes a throw - I swung.

Order a free 'Vegetarian Starter Kit' at GoVeg.com!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

1-Arm Swings (12 kg)
(30 + 30 + 25 + 25 + 20 + 20 + 15 + 15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5)
= 210 swings at T = 0 minute
(25 + 25 + 20 + 20 + 15 + 15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5)
= 150 swings at T = 10 minutes
(20 + 20 + 15 + 15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5)
= 100 swings at T = 18 minutes
(15 + 15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5) = 60 swings at T = 24 minutes
(10 + 10 + 5 + 5) = 30 swings at T = 28 minutes
(5 + 5) = 10 swings at T = 30 minutes
Total: 560 swings

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3, 4)

TGU's (12 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 28.5 lb.)
6 Xs, alternating right & left

With the swings, could I have done a few more longer sets towards the end? Sure, absolutely. But I find patterns in the mathematical universe beautiful. As written, the workout displays symmetry and order. Why create Chaos?

Brilliant Kicks!

2008-03-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Cung Le for winning the Strikeforce Middleweight Championship last night! Kudos to Shamrock for sticking with the stand-up game, but now that the verdict is in - Cung Le is king! - I hope to see these two on the ground for a rematch. Frank is apparently getting some hardware installed to fix his broken arm. I wish him well and hope to see him back in the ring soon.

The fight video is no longer available, but check out how the champions train - Goldberg goes toe to toe with Frank Shamrock and Cung Le.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Another doubles workout today. I was hoping to dedicate it to the Lopez twins, but God knows I don't like tall people's sports, so March Madness is officially over for mankind - although smart women are still playing strong and the short chick is swinging and snatching two balls at a time.

Double Swings & Snatches (two 8 kg's)
2 sets of 4 x (3 swings + 1 snatch), 10 sets of 5 x (3 swings + 1 snatch), 90-second rounds

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3)

Double TGU's (two 8 kg's)
3 Xs

This was my first time doing double snatches, so I decided to take it easy and not kill myself on the cardio, hence the 90-second round. But after the first two sets, I felt it was too easy, so I extended the sequence. Doubles work is informative because you can tell if your body is not working in symmetry. My left forearm / grip remains the weakest link so I got work to do - what else is new. Double get-ups - I would say it's dangerous if you're sitting with your back in flexion under all that load. So, as your mother would say, sit up tall. I couldn't keep my left arm straight while rolling up, so I just pressed the weight back up once I was seated. It's possible to keep my arms straight if I yank myself up quickly, i.e. let the hip flexors take over and legs pop off the ground - but no self-respecting Pilates teacher will condone that kind of atrocity. We use core. Abs. I figured out the perfect setup on the Pilates Cadillac to practice this - bottom-load the push-through bar with two heavy springs and try to do roll-ups, arms straight, shoulders down, legs glued to the mat. No cheating is possible.

Highway Hero

2008-03-28T00:02:00.001-07:00

My right front tire flatly pooped out on my way home from Skyline today. I was on 280N a few exits past where the left lanes split off to 19th Avenue. The car has a flat tire monitor but it didn't even come on. I heard it, felt it, and knew I wouldn't make it off the freeway. The driver in the car on the next lane saw it and kindly turned on his hazard lights, slowed, and guided me across a few lanes to a place where I could stop - a tiny wedge of land between an on-ramp and three lanes to my left.

Turned off NPR, whipped out the phone. Geico's number was on the insurance card. Five menus of choices later, still no option for emergency road service and nary a live person in my prospects, I saw the little Mini Road Service card tucked in with the manual and dialed that number instead. Lady in Texas answered the phone, and she tried very hard to understand where I was. Sorry I couldn't give you a street name, I was on the freeway, I'd just passed an exit sign that I see five days a week but never registered, and I really wasn't sure whether I was on 101 or 280. After much back-and-forth, she courteously announced, "We are dispatching someone from South Francisco. The ETA is 55 minutes. May we call you back at 4:37 pm to check if you've received the service? Here's the reference number for this dispatch ... "

Sure, I'm going to sit here for 55 minutes with SUVs whizzing past me at 85 mph. NOT. Called Geico again, and after an interminable series of number punching I got a guy who said he would transfer me to emergency road service. Just at that moment, an emergency vehicle pulled up behind me - not a tow truck but an official looking vehicle with a blue and yellow logo and a dude in uniform sporting the same. "Ma'am, you got a spare tire?" "Are you the people I just called?" "No, we're the Freeway Service Patrol. I saw you and I came back around. I'll change the tire for you. This is a free service."

Whoa! This was like manna from heaven when you're really hungry. J. Cabrera was my man. (I hope I remember the spelling correctly - it was on your shirt. You made my day!) He proceeded to change my tire, another FSP vehicle pulled up and his buddy lent a hand, and they got the job done in no time. He gave me a brochure about FSP and a survey to fill out, and told me how to safely merge back into traffic. And that was it. What could have been an hour of sitting "in" traffic ended up as an occasion for gratitude. When I do my state taxes next weekend, I will approach it with a much better attitude.

The Bay Area Freeway Service Patrol is a joint program sponsored by the Metropolitan Transportation Commission, Caltrans, and CHP. You can call CHP at (707) 551-4100 for help on the freeway, and for more information about FSP, visit their website http://www.fsp-bayarea.org/. Just don't call them when you see me zipping past you at 90 mph :-)

Live Boldly

2008-03-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

At taiko class on Monday, Sensei Bruce asked, "What would you do tomorrow if you were ten times as bold?" The spiritual warrior is fearless. I choose to manifest a life without perceived limitations. If the thought of Pavel makes you shit your pants, you're not snatching enough.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

2-Arm Swings (12 kg)
1 x 20 = warm-up

Clean & Jerks (12 kg)
5 x 6 each side

Bottoms-Up C&P Ladders (8 kg)
3 x (1, 2, 3)

Double Windmills (12 kg above, 16 kg below)
6L, 6R

First time trying windmills with the 12 kg on top. Not hard at all since I've been doing get-ups with a heavier weight.

My Training Log

2008-03-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Snatches (12 kg)
6 x (8+8) + 6 x (7+7) + 6 x (6+6) in 72-second rounds = 252 snatches

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
5 x (1, 2, 3)

TGU's (12 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 28.5 lb.)
1R, 1L, 2R, 2L

I didn't exactly do 36:36 with the snatches although the 7+7 approximated that cadence. I have found that with these interval workouts, the first couple of sets are the hardest - the body is just in shock after coming out of stretchy downward dogs. If I can make it through the initial minutes, I will usually be able to finish my planned routines. I personally don't like to "go all out and see what happens" because the mind has a way of inventing all kinds of excuses when the going gets tough. I just try to set realistic but increasingly demanding goals and not let myself quit until I hit my target each time. Next week I will do a similar workout and I may up the rounds or the reps - it depends on the dosage of chocolate I get. After the snatches tonight I was in a daze. I might have done six or seven ladders of presses. I lost track ...

My Training Log

2008-03-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Double Swings (two 8 kg's)
12 x 20 on the minute = 240 swings

Clean & Jerks (two 8 kg's)
2 x 8

Front Squats (two 8 kg's)
2 x 5

TGU's (12 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 28.5 lb.)
6 Xs, alternating right & left

I did mostly doubles work today primarily because my 12 kg (the one without the 2.5 lb. plate taped to it) is still sitting in the trunk. Swinging two 8 kg's felt easier on the back than doing 2-arm swings with the one pood. However, it was much more work for the grip than I expected. My left hand grip was definitely getting smoked towards the last couple of sets. I also tried to do a double get-up. The combined weight was more than I'd ever done TGU's with. I could sort of do it but it's nothing to write home about because the control was not there.

Today I came across this piece by Ted Kerasote, author of Merle's Door, that I feel moved to share. I am not "into" companion animals, but to cause unnecessary suffering to any sentient being is just plain wrong. It is regrettable that the once-great Chinese civilization has devolved to such a point that animal cruelty is condoned by many and the government routinely disregard human rights and basic freedoms. Click here for Mr. Kerasote's piece from Salon.com, published March 24, 2008.

Santa Cruz Sojourn

2008-03-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

It's spring break and Pepper and I finally hit the road. Pepper, of course, is my Mini Cooper. We coasted down Highway 1 and rolled into Santa Cruz last Saturday evening, with my 12 kg kettlebell securely in the trunk, and that bleeping Gymboss tucked among my underwear. What kind of a getaway is this? BLEEP!

I stayed at a Tibetan Buddhist retreat called the Land of Medicine Buddha in the town of Soquel, just south of Santa Cruz. Nestled up high in the Santa Cruz Mountains, the place is absolutely magical. I was only too happy that there was no cell phone signal, and the moment I set foot on the grounds, the outside world faded from my consciousness. The crisp air cleansed and enlivened the soul. I felt I could really see the night sky for the first time in a long while, the kind of seeing that is unbothered by urgency, or necessity. The skylight in my room let in the moon - I slept under its cool light, in a warm bed, made warmer still by the hospitality of the gentle staff. It makes my blood boil now to think of what the Chinese government has been doing in Lhasa in the last week. But when you're among ancient trees whispering their teachings on compassion and equanimity, you understand that Spirit does not wish to countenance anger and other negative emotions. She breezes through the leaves, leaving them rustling, like waves, cresting, falling, now you hear it, now you don't. Listen ...

Sunday, March 16, 2008

2-Arm Swings (12 kg)
1 x 30 = warm-up

Snatches (12 kg)
12 x (7+7) on the minute = 168 snatches

Front Squats (12 kg)
6L, 6R

Hiking
7.5 miles - I left the Gymboss behind and hiked through the property of the Land of Medicine Buddha and the adjoining (and very aptly named) Enchanted Forest. I love being in the woods and don't understand why people obsess about getting out of the woods. I didn't see any mountain lions - I suppose I should not tempt Fate - but I met Bambi, and two biker dudes riding uphill on a narrow trail. And one other guy who confirmed my bearings on a hand-drawn and not very updated map.

Monday, March 17, 2008

2-Arm Swings (12 kg)
(4 x 25 + 8 x 20) on the minute = 260 swings

Hiking
4 miles - Even though I am partial towards the hills, in the interest of being well-rounded, I opted for the ocean. I went to Wilder Ranch State Park, just north of Santa Cruz. The trail down to the coast is pretty flat and without tree cover, and it doesn't loop back, so I think the best way to enjoy it is to ride a bicycle. At first I thought I was going to fry in the sun, but soon enough I was glad for the sunshine, as it got pretty windy along the coast. Here you get dramatic views of sheer cliffs, pristine beaches, and a variety of sea birds hanging out like beach bums. I saw two guys casting their fishing lines off of a cliff. I kept wondering, what if a big sea monster bit the bait and pulled one of them over? The ocean seems vast and willful. I dropped down to my knees before I dared look over the edge. We are pretty small and insignificant, in the grand scheme of things.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Hiking
8.5 miles - I am very certain that in one of my many previous incarnations, I was a redwood tree. Whether it's Muir Woods in Marin, or my destination for today, the Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park, there is a profound sense of "coming home," that I am of the same substance and marrow as these beautiful, proud trees that have stood the test of time. Beyond the Redwood Grove, the grandma-friendly main tourist attraction, I encountered very few people as I hiked through different micro-climates and terrains. While I really savored the quietude, I wondered where the people were. Are most folks so out of shape they can't venture out of the main loop? I have a "buffet table" approach to my endeavor: I paid $6 for parking and I'm going to hike the heck out of it to get my money's worth. But of course I can hardly pay enough for this enormous treasure that is the California State Parks system. In the last few days, I realize just how incredibly rich we are, that we've been blessed by Mother Nature and her abundant resources, to be "used" without being depleted, to escape to, to recreate - so we can save ourselves from ourselves, from our incessantly demanding lifestyles. The spirit of conservation is best sustained by actively engaging the Great Outdoors. Some parks even have Wi-Fi access, but hey, you don't have to bring your laptop!

I don't know how many steps I took, but each step was a reminder that once upon a time, hardworking men and women blazed these trails and cleared miles and miles of paths so that we could enjoy the wilderness today. I am profoundly grateful for their labor, and their wisdom.

Of course, it's so very American to drive 50 miles so you can get out and walk 5 miles. I don't apologize for it, but I'm fully supportive of a national agenda to develop cleaner energy and alternative fuels.

The way to reach the Land of Medicine Buddha is via a winding, one-lane mountain road. At night, it is pitch dark and I had a fun time driving on it - when else do you get to play with the high beam? Coming back from dinner in Santa Cruz on the last night, I glanced at the rear-view mirror and saw - nothing. I didn't see an empty road. I saw blackness. There was no behind, like there was no before. The whole world is here and now, in this little car. People get enlightened in moments like this. Or you're inspired to write a ghost story. Once upon a time, a young man stood in front of the mirror and could not see his face ...

A Kettlebell Haiku

2008-03-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Rack, or wreck the deck.
Clean and jerk. Who? Clean and you.
Jerk a pood or two.

I wrote this while cruising along Highway 280, homebound from my lesson with Rif this morning. We worked on the push-press, clean & jerk, pistol, and a better grip to facilitate the corkscrew snatch. It is such a treat to be able to continue my training with Rif. There is so much to learn and too many pitfalls to avoid that it is imperative that we never stop seeking out teachers who can help us do better. "Learning is like rowing upstream: to not advance is to drop back." (Chinese proverb)

Self-Prosti-cuted

2008-03-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

Eliot Spitzer: A Case For Kettlebells

To all the potential Client #9's out there - I understand your desperation. You have excess testosterone. You need booty. Here's what you do. Next time you travel out of town, summon a local RKC to your hotel room. He/she (depending on your taste) will show up with two voluptuous DD balls - as in Dragon Door, of course - and make you thrust your hips like there's no tomorrow. You will cry for your Mama. You will end up in a pool of sweat, spent, satisfied. You will fall asleep on your fluffy bed like a sweet baby, and dream about your sweetheart back home.

My Training Log

2008-03-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday, March 9, 2008

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
4 x (1, 2, 3)

TGU's (12 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 28.5 lb.)
10 Xs, alternating right & left

I don't do my get-ups for time because it takes me forever to do one rep and I'm personally more motivated by rep count. I usually get up using the RKC lunge-style, hold the KB overhead for at least 5 long breaths, add 3-5 partial negative presses, squat down to rock bottom, and roll down. I get down completely hands-free - the rolling is a bit uneven, but one day I hope to make it look pretty, the Pilates way.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

2-Arm Swings (16 kg)
8 x 20 on the minute = 160 swings

Snatches (12 kg)
10 x (6+6) on the minute = 120 snatches

MP Ladders (8 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 20.5 lb.)
4 x (1, 2, 3)

TGU's (12 kg + 2.5 lb. plate = 28.5 lb.)
10 Xs, alternating right & left

I had this grand plan of doing 30 minutes of swings after reading Tracy Rif's new blog post about 1400 swings in an hour. But it was 9:30 pm already when I started, and five minutes into it, I had two thoughts: (i) I don't really want to do this; and (ii) I really want to do snatches. Not that I really want to do anything, but snatches seemed like a good alternative. So I switched gear. Not nearly as taxing as the swings - I need to add more reps next time.